Germs for the win, dumb people for the lose

Know what are totally awesome? Bacteria. I effing love my bacteria. I keep reading things about bacteria, and the more I read, the more I just want to hug myself, because really, I’m hugging 10 times more bacterial cells than human ones (I could source that, but it’s after midnight and I’m far too lazy to look it up). I have learned that you are born sterile inside, and colonized within an hour or so of breathing air and drinking breast milk. Everybody’s got their own unique balance. It’s like a big buggy fingerprint that you can only find under a microscope. Wicked cool. I shy away from antibacterial soaps for this reason. Oh, I am super clean, as people who have lived with me know. I wash my hands before and after cooking, and I go a little manic without my shower first thing. But I love my colonies! They keep me healthy and happy. I couldn’t survive without them. Really, we’re just big walking ecosystems to them. Did you ever read A Wind In The Door, where Charles Wallace could talk to his mitochondria? I wish I could do that with my internal flora. I bet I’d be some benevolent Gaia goddess to them, and they’d all worship me and love me for the food and shelter I provide them, and in return, they’d multiply joyously and work extra hard to keep my system clean. There is not one among you that could say that wouldn’t be fairly sock rocking.

Of course, we have been taught forever that germs are super bad. OMG GERMS OMG. Germophobes are noobs. Know what? If our kids spent a little more time rolling around in the mud and eating worms and kissing the family pet and being generally gross and kid-like, we wouldn’t be nearly as susceptible to these uber-flu strains that keep popping up in the news and scaring the holy hell out of me. This is why vaccinations are for the win. Which brings me to another group of noobs, and these noobs are made of epic proportions of fail. I am talking, of course, of the people who won’t vaccinate their offspring. OMG CONSPIRACY OMG NATURAL IMMUNITY OMG MERCURY OMG. Kindly shut the fuck up. Know what’s something to OMG about? Polio. Look up a picture of a kid bent over sideways with polio and tell me that’s not the worst thing you’ve ever seen. Google it. I’m serious. Here, I’ll do it for you. It’ll ruin your night, but at least your kids will be healthy. Polio shouldn’t even exist anymore. Or hell, look at smallpox pictures. That’s the kind of monstrous disease that was killed by getting vaccinated. That’s the kind of thing that should put the fear of god into them.

These people annoy me until I start to froth. This is why I am going to happily link this article I just read and rub it in their faces and hope to the Great Cosmic Whatever that it’s not too late for them to get their kids the shots they badly need to get.

VACCINATIONS DON’T CAUSE AUTISM, YOU MORONS.

Mercury might cause autism? Ok, ban mercury in vaccinations. Oh wait? Autism levels have actually increased? Huh. Guess you should’ve thought twice about what was worse for your kids: a shot in the arm and a lollypop, or dragging themselves around the streets on a wheeled plank because their legs are shaped like question marks. Explain that one to them when they look up at you with big innocent eyes and ask you why they can’t walk like the other kids.

It’s called science, bitches. It works. Now go vaccinate your progeny and tell them to go dig up some worms with their bare hands.