7 Ways To Not Die Like A Prize-Winning Moron

If you’ve been around this site for a while, you’ve probably gathered that I have spent a considerable portion of my irreplaceable life watching shows and films of the sci-fi/fantasy persuasion. Basically, I’m an expert. I could have a doctorate in superheroism. Given that my credentials are so impressive that it would take me hours just to detail them, you should already know that everything I say on this subject is extensively researched and absolutely true. Duh.

Now that we’re all on the same page, get your #2 pencil and a blank sheet of paper. I’m about to save your life.

Make way for the Emperor, bitch.

I love Christmas.

omg did u just ding? grats!!1!

Rudraigh has henceforth leveled up to 24, and he’s presumably got the hangover to prove it. Hip hip, huzzah!

The Watcher

Far, far away, on the Blue Area of the moon, a being stands, and he watches. His name is Uatu, and for the sins of his fathers, he stands watch. This image has always given me a feeling of solace, to know that even if every person on earth passes away, they shall be remembered.

Uatu has been shown to care about the world he watches, but only so far as that it is something to watch. He has told Stephen Strange, in the alternate universe of Earth-311, that the death of his world, or even the death of his universe, would be of no great loss, for there are many universes to watch.  The only thing that would be “regrettable indeed” would be for a cascading destruction that consumes all of the multiverse.  This would mean that there would be nothing left to watch.

In the universe of Earth-9997, however, Uatu shows both concern for the survival of the planet and complete lack of interest in the actions and lives of the people on it.  He shows scorn and outright contempt for the “human” concerns of Aaron Stack, X-51, the Machine Man.  “This reality you cling to,” says the Watcher, “and hold so dear to for your very meaning and purpose is but a glimmer of all that is.  It is a wink in the cosmic order of being.  A fraction of history that hardly ‘counts’ at all.”

Because of these varied responses to humanity and its survival, I remain unsure as to whether there is a single Uatu who watches all possible realities, or if there are as many Uatus as there are realities in the multiverse. Either way, it seems that the Watchers are able to witness at least partial realities, as shown in Marvel’s What If… series.

I was bothered by Uatu’s enigmatic feelings (or lack thereof) toward humanity, until I remembered that he is the narrator for not only the canon Marvel Universe (Earth-616), but for all those Earths of What If…  If Uatu truly sees all possible histories, and even if there are many versions of him that do the same, then how can he feel invested in those he watches?  He sees the best possible outcome and the worst disasters, and he does so simultaneously.  Even when things won’t end well in one version of reality, he knows that they shall play out in myriad ways in other realities.

How can the fate of one flower be concerning, when the entire garden continues to thrive?

Germs may win, but I’m not too concerned

I’d like to spin off of Becky’s recent post about germs. Specifically, I’d like to muse on her comment about being a Gaia-type entity for the innumerable bacteria, mitochondria, and other symbiotes in her system. I feel a little differently about this. I’m still for all these little buggers and against antibacterial soap, but only in an impersonal way.

This may be because I’m a male, and the masculine version of “Gaia” is “Gaius”. To be Gaia, in the modern understanding, is quite a big and important role. Gaia is the Mother Goddess, the great, giving, and nurturing spirit of the Earth. The name Gaius doesn’t give us much.

I hate cats and their designer

I was woken up a few nights ago by the unique sound of two housecats in the throes of passion. As I lay awake, two thoughts kept chasing each other through my head. The higher, more rational side of me kept saying, “It’s 6am. You need to get up in a half hour. This means that you only got five and a half hours of quality sleep.”

That side of me is a boring whiner. The other side kept screaming, “WHO THE FUCK DESIGNS A BARBED PENIS?! JESUS GODTITS! CATS ARE THE STUPIDEST ORGANISM TO CRAWL THE FACE OF THE EARTH.”

Eventually I went outside in my boxers and scared the fuck out of those cats.

Germs for the win, dumb people for the lose

Know what are totally awesome? Bacteria. I effing love my bacteria. I keep reading things about bacteria, and the more I read, the more I just want to hug myself, because really, I’m hugging 10 times more bacterial cells than human ones (I could source that, but it’s after midnight and I’m far too lazy to look it up). I have learned that you are born sterile inside, and colonized within an hour or so of breathing air and drinking breast milk. Everybody’s got their own unique balance. It’s like a big buggy fingerprint that you can only find under a microscope. Wicked cool. I shy away from antibacterial soaps for this reason. Oh, I am super clean, as people who have lived with me know. I wash my hands before and after cooking, and I go a little manic without my shower first thing. But I love my colonies! They keep me healthy and happy. I couldn’t survive without them. Really, we’re just big walking ecosystems to them. Did you ever read A Wind In The Door, where Charles Wallace could talk to his mitochondria? I wish I could do that with my internal flora. I bet I’d be some benevolent Gaia goddess to them, and they’d all worship me and love me for the food and shelter I provide them, and in return, they’d multiply joyously and work extra hard to keep my system clean. There is not one among you that could say that wouldn’t be fairly sock rocking.

Of course, we have been taught forever that germs are super bad. OMG GERMS OMG. Germophobes are noobs. Know what? If our kids spent a little more time rolling around in the mud and eating worms and kissing the family pet and being generally gross and kid-like, we wouldn’t be nearly as susceptible to these uber-flu strains that keep popping up in the news and scaring the holy hell out of me. This is why vaccinations are for the win. Which brings me to another group of noobs, and these noobs are made of epic proportions of fail. I am talking, of course, of the people who won’t vaccinate their offspring. OMG CONSPIRACY OMG NATURAL IMMUNITY OMG MERCURY OMG. Kindly shut the fuck up. Know what’s something to OMG about? Polio. Look up a picture of a kid bent over sideways with polio and tell me that’s not the worst thing you’ve ever seen. Google it. I’m serious. Here, I’ll do it for you. It’ll ruin your night, but at least your kids will be healthy. Polio shouldn’t even exist anymore. Or hell, look at smallpox pictures. That’s the kind of monstrous disease that was killed by getting vaccinated. That’s the kind of thing that should put the fear of god into them.

These people annoy me until I start to froth. This is why I am going to happily link this article I just read and rub it in their faces and hope to the Great Cosmic Whatever that it’s not too late for them to get their kids the shots they badly need to get.

VACCINATIONS DON’T CAUSE AUTISM, YOU MORONS.

Mercury might cause autism? Ok, ban mercury in vaccinations. Oh wait? Autism levels have actually increased? Huh. Guess you should’ve thought twice about what was worse for your kids: a shot in the arm and a lollypop, or dragging themselves around the streets on a wheeled plank because their legs are shaped like question marks. Explain that one to them when they look up at you with big innocent eyes and ask you why they can’t walk like the other kids.

It’s called science, bitches. It works. Now go vaccinate your progeny and tell them to go dig up some worms with their bare hands.

Musical Review. Not a Revue, though.

You have my brother to thank for this one, as he recently turned me on to a few bands. The first band calls itself Blind Guardian.

Now, I laugh at power metal just as much as the next fellow, but these blokes truly know how to skirt that line between the ridiculous and the sublime. Hansi Kürsch has an indescribable voice, and the men of his choir back him flawlessly. What truly intrigues me about this band is its penchant for songs about fantasy works. J.R.R. Tolkien and Stephen King are but two of the authors who have influenced the lyrics of Blind Guardian. I highly suggest checking them out.

Continuing with the thread of “high concept” brings us to Iced Earth. I finally finished listening closely to their latest album, Framing Armageddon. This first of two concept albums weaves a tale of galactic conquest in the name of “unlimited power and unlimited knowledge”, which begets a plan for revenge that spans myriad years (“myriad” comes from the Greek word for 10,000). Ten thousand years of waiting, for the ten thousand who remained after their race was wiped away. We start with the Prophesy, continue to the Clouding, and end with the coming of Set Abominae. I can’t wait for the second half of the story to come out, later this year. There are even rumours of a graphic novel in the works.

Finally, I’ll gush about a side project of both bands: Demons and Wizards.  This group combines the dark, heavy feel of Jon Schaffer’s guitar with the awe-inspiring voice of Hansi Kürsch.   On top of good music, both men push for fantasy and science-fiction themes in their works.  Exempla gratia: Touched by the Crimson King.

Seriously.  I’d read that comic.

Thor wouldn’t have let this happen.

Pacific Gas and Electric is an incomprehensible company.  I came home a little after 1pm yesterday, to find that we had no power and had not for most of the morning.  Not letting this get me down, I went about my day, buying comics (needing to go up to the City to do so, since the local shop had no power, and I had no cash), buying lunch, and returning home to enjoy both.

At about half past five, I descended into my deepest lair in order to take a nap.  I awoke two hours later, in full darkness and temporally disoriented.  An hour later, I left for the evening, and returned after midnight.

Upon my return, I was glad to see that PG&E had turned our power back on, unlike some of the other unfortunate neighborhoods I needed to drive through.  Secure in the knowledge that I could wake up and pee with the light on, I went to bed.  This morning, I woke up, walked to the bathroom, hit the switch, and still ended up peeing in the dark.

Apparently we only warranted electricity during “sleeping hours”.  The only good part of the situation I could find was that the perishables in my refrigerator had a chance to stay unspoilt longer.

Needless to say, we have power once more.  I only wonder for how long, and how such decisions are made.

Contrary to popular belief, I do not control space-time

You know what? That’s it. I’ve had it. You all either have way too much faith in me, or you’re completely batshit insane. Do I look like some sort of temporal time goddess? If you answered yes, then you are delusional and should get professional help. Or you want money from me, and all the flattery in the world won’t help you there. Point is, I don’t have unlimited hours in the day, and you all just need to leave me alone.

Oh yeah, I’m on a rampage, and if you guessed that it started with a visit to a comic shop, you get a gold star. Doesn’t mean I like you any better.